The Battle of the Boob

Today, I introduced Kayla to formula. I didn't want to do it until she was 6 months old, but she was just hungry and I wasn't keeping up my end of the bargain.

She has always gotten less milk than Maya did. I used to get 5 or 6 ounces when I pumped for Maya, but I'm lucky to get 4 ounces at a time now, and it's often more like 2 1/2 to 3. Last night, since she had been asleep for a few hours and I was still up, I pumped during the night and put about 3 1/2 ounces in the freezer, planning to pump some more today. But when I pumped midday today, I got about an ounce. And right after that, she woke up.

So there I was, with a few ounces of frozen milk, totally tapped out and with a hungry Kayla. I decided that fighting the good fight wasn't really that good, if it was leaving her unsatisfied. I think stress has been cutting into what was already a questionable level of production, and right at a time when she's needing more and more.

She accepted the 60% breastmilk/40% formula mix I gave her very enthusiastically, so I think she will transition quite well to having a mix, or even straight formula sometimes.

I'm a little disappointed, and it's hard not to blame myself — I didn't drink enough water, I didn't make time to pump often enough so we had a good stockpile, I work too much and let my self get stressed out, etc. Interestingly, one of the things I was working long hours on this past week was the August issue of Healthy U, which features a story on none other than breastfeeding. The first week of August is World Breastfeeding Week, in fact, and I wrote my editor's column all about the challenges of breastfeeding, and how important it is for a nursing mom to have support.

I have had plenty of support, and I'm not quitting or giving up. I'll continue to nurse Kayla when I'm home (I come home at lunchtime to feed her, in addition to her morning feeding and all her many evening ones.) And I'll continue to pump at work, and keep as much of her diet straight breastmilk as I can. But it's actually kind of a relief to introduce the formula, because I think part of my stress has been worrying about whether she's getting enough to eat. When that's no longer on my mind, maybe my reduced stress will help my production improve.

I think it's important for breastfeeding advocates to push for better understanding in the community and encourage moms to breastfeed for as long as they are able, but I also think there's a little bit of backlash for the moms who, for any number of reasons, are unable to follow through with their breastfeeding plans. For some, formula is necessary from the beginning; for others, like me, it's a supplement that's added sooner than expected. For all the benefits of breastfeeding that are touted, like better immunity and higher IQ, there is the unspoken but implied flip-side: If I'm not able to breastfeed exclusively, will my child be less healthy? Less smart?

Of course not. But it's enough to lead an otherwise rational woman (I'm speaking of myself here) to let her baby's hunger not always be completely satisfied in order to avoid adding formula and possibly affecting her milk supply in a negative way. When I say that now, it seems ridiculous, but it's a reality many women face.

Well, now the pressure's off. It's liberating, in a way. Now I don't have to worry about whether Kayla is getting enough nourishment every day. I don't have to worry about having enough stored milk to leave her with a sitter (see my first blog post about taking her to the movies for more on that subject). And I don't have to stress out if lunch rolls around and I haven't pumped yet.

I should have done this weeks ago — for her benefit and mine.